Sometimes you make me cry, sometimes I even want you to. But now I am frustrated and hurt and I love you but I need to do things for myself without you making me feel guilty and then guilty again when I offer to stop, basically there is nowhere for me to be, no decision for me to make without you being upset with me. Please stop, don’t tell me to. I want to cry but that would be silly. Silly silly silly silly sally with the red hair.
i love you so much and sometimes i think about how crazy it is that i am yours and you are mine and it just makes me crazy because you are perfect in every single way and part of you. i miss you and i love you, you crazy wonderful boy. you with your blue eyes that i want to paint perfectly, you with your hair that i want to pull my fingers through in a state close to crazed madness, you whose every part i have memorized with my fingers and my lips and my eyes, you whose laugh makes me smile and warm up and turn to butter to jello to a melted popsicle held against my burning skin.
fuck me with your words, for all its worth
I want you.
i dont want to be crying right now but i really can’t stop. you are gone, you are virtually gone. i’m so stupid!!! i’m not a good person. really, i’m not. I threw away something wonderful and amazing just because i was…. i was bored! what kind of person does that?? Not a good one. Me. I’m so sorry. I wish that you could see just how sorry I am… how I cry and shake and sob in bed most nights with regret, how I feel like throwing up and thrashing around whenever I think of what I did. I know that there isn’t anything that I could possibly say that would make it better, that would take it back. I wish there was. I wish it so so much, always. I’m sorry that I hurt you. I’m sorry that I hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt you. I want to say all of this to you. I want to so badly, but I know that I won’t be able to. I wish I wasn’t bad at talking, I wish that I wasn’t scared, but most of all I wish that I could go back in time, I wish that I could unhurt you. But the truth is I can’t and that is the thing that feels like a knife in my stomach and my heart and my head and all over me, everywhere.
I’ve been having alot of trouble sleeping. Its just that my brain won’t shut off and lately there’s been much more anxiety then usual. I just lie awake and worry and just think about all of this stupid stuff that I have to do and that is worrying me and I can’t sleep. No matter what I do, I wont be able to. I know that when I go to bed and I start tossing and turning and worrying about silly things that I won’t be able to sleep until early into the morning when it’s not very possible to stay awake much longer. I just have these stupid, irrational fears that haunt me, all the time. I don’t know what I should do or can do about it, but I want it to stop.
I am coming to terms with my body lately, its much nicer this way. Sometimes I wish very very much that I looked different but not really, not all the time. The way I see it, I know that I am eating healthy. I know that what I am putting into my body is not going to hurt it. I think thats really all I need to know. It makes me feel better.
tomorow tomorow tomorow tomorow tomorow!
Then i can see you again. ohmygoodness, I cant even believe how badly I want you. Its like this horrible throbbing pain in my chest, which would be more enjoyable if I thought that I might actually get to be with you. Soon. Time is running out, as dramatic as that sounds it’s true all the same. Soon you will be gone and maybe this chance will be gone. Are you playing games with me? If you are, please please stop. I want to kiss you. I want to kiss you and hold you and be with you all the time, like before, so so badly. I would do anything for you, anything! But please let me. When I kiss you (and I will), I hope that you feel something and want to be with me. But I can only hope till then. But I will kiss you, I promise. All I need is the perfect scenario, which I have played out in my head a million times. One more week. Then maybe I’ll have a bit more balance.
Have you ever felt regret? Probably. Have you ever felt it so strong that you feel like throwing up? All the time? And kicking and screaming and just sobbing until you can go back in time? It’s horrible. I just want to make it right… I just want you to understand how I feel about this. Because I feel like crying, also throwing up all the time. And the anxiety gets worse, the stupid, irrational fears that no matter how i try and calm myself down keep persisting and keeping me awake every night.
Sometimes I realize how alone I am and I just wish that I could be in a different place, a different world. There’s not many people that I can be around without having the anxiety build up and make me want to run away. There is only one person at school who I can be around without getting a tiny bit nervous. One. I feel so awkward all the time, I sit with all these people at lunch and I dont talk to them, they don’t talk to me, and it’s just like I’m alone but I’m not, It’s worse then just being completley alone, because then I am alone among people. I just always feel so awkward! I want to eat my lunch super fast so that I can just get up and run away from them and be alone in peace.
